Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Me as a therapist: omg same

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry