[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
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If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Suuuuure
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Ain’t no way
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Proctologist = Analyst
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.