[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
You Might Also Like
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall