Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
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watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
how it started vs how it ended
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.