Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.