Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
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I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.