Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.