Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

That lamp looks PISSED.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining