Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

Don’t talk down to me

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago