Bars should have claw machines with loose cigarettes and taquitos
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Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
accurate
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers