Bars should have claw machines with loose cigarettes and taquitos
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David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
SF is the wild wild west man
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know