Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

gm

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow