Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.