[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
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Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won鈥檛 shut the hell up.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I鈥橠 RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn鈥檛 press charges.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don鈥檛 know yours, rest assured that it鈥檚 not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 馃樄
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn鈥檛 sugar make you fit and contoured
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
He said: We can鈥檛 go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn鈥檛 clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can鈥檛 go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn鈥檛 clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
(understanding 0% of what I鈥檓 being told as i鈥檓 getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude鈥s everything okay at home?
In sibling math no matter which half they鈥檙e given, it鈥檚 always smaller.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.