Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

What?

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.