[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
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Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
How do I get a job writing these texts
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged