Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
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10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.
5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
it takes so much energy
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.