Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
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I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?