Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

My beach vacation Google searches

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.