Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

time for some seasonal decor

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

that’s really how it is

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

yeah not falling for this one