bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
The struggle is real
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
