bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
You sure about that?
