Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

thinking about this

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury