They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
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Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.