[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
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First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
This guy’s not having it 😆
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..