Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

A drum solo but on your face.

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

The smoothest fall of all time

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’