Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway