Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!