BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
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*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
.. do you even science?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them