Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
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Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.