Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
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me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
U talkin 2 me?
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
LA today:
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.