Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
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The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….