Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
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teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
lmfao
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes