BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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Ghost costume 😂
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.