bartender: pick your poison
wicked witch of the west: water
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal