Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

Domino’s: FREE PIZZA

Me: sweet finally

Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????

Me: uh what happened to free?

Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE

Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?

Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.