Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

if i had a bf i’d be a gf

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.