Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

Breaking news:

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.