Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

2yo: daddy play with me!

Me: okay!!

2yo: *points* sit right here.

Me: okay.

2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!

Me: okay.

2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!

Me: okayyyyyyy.

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

Me as a therapist: omg same

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien