Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.