BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won