“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
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My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
sigh
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
We made a comic about a space heater.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”