Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Anarchy

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

Ha

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.