Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
You Might Also Like
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.