Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
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“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
lol
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.