Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
You Might Also Like
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror