Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.