Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…