bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
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[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
i wish i could marry a nap
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait