bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
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[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.