bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”