bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
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[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
bias laundering edition