Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

Most Common Source of Electricity

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?