Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*