Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

This checks out

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”