Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.