Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
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People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG