@AngelaEhh

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

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@ScorpionDong

Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman’s other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin

@ashlar36

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

@Brianhopecomedy

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

@_elvishpresley_

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

@Ristolable

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

@ToneLoaf

This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.

@facciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

@MomOnFire

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

@Ygrene

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

@DaddyJew

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.