Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
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If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
When you don’t understand how floors work
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.