Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
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Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Looking at you, Jesus.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!