Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.