BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.