BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
#parenting
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go