@fro_vo

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

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@WillMckenzieNot

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@Wakenbake77

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

@SortaBad

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

@TheBoydP

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

@WeAreGirICodes

*gets hit by a car*

Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens twitter*

Me: “LMAOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@KentWGraham

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him