BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes


Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.


Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.


Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”


I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.


*gets hit by a car*

Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens twitter*



I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”


That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him