BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
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[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?