Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

“I’m helping” 😅

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.