Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Erm I’m gonna say no

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

Morning.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.