Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training