Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
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Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”