Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

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My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…


Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”


Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.


*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP


Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.


I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.


My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method


Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will


Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*