My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
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Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.