Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

I wanna be friends with this person