Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born